radandi

oh god the past two months have been insane. finally, i feel able to breathe and look around me, to stop trying to catch up and just be where i am.

ive been reading inner experience by georges bataille and the sickness unto death by kierkegaard, which are so beautiful and transformative in their (very) distinct ways. i feel that bataille and i have quite a lot in common, which frightened me, but now that im reading kierkegaard i feel more ok with that. i think, now, that seeing myself in despair through bataille's similar despair pushed me to realize how horribly depressed i've been for the past 3 or 4 months, how feeling grateful for a few minutes of release from despair was my life, and that i need to get myself out of it-and kierkegaard helps me step out of myself and into myself at the same time. i complained to a friend that it is ridiculous that i have an existential crisis every few months, but really, i'm glad for it, now. for now, anyways.

ive started running again- i always forget how much i love running, and being so close to prospect park is awesome. i want to run more but my legs won't let me, so ive been supplementing my days off with pilates. i dont know why i ever stop exercising regularly- but as soon as i do stop the high goes away and i stay in darkness until i pull myself up again out of sheer necessity.

and of course, living by myself again is wonderful and awesome, pi is happy with all of the windows and the pigeons that roost out in the back alley. she is currently chattering her teeth and crying at a fly on the wall. it is so strange to live here, to feel myself get more comfortable than ive been since i moved to new york. i did not realize until i house sat in december how uncomfortable i have been in my last two apartments, and its just due to roommates- i only want to live alone, to feel free to do what i want, when i want- and i cant do it with roommates, no matter how long we have been friends. but i am glad, now, for this, that i am here.


also i was eating lunch with julianna in union square park today and this guy totally checked me out! and he was actually in my age range! i cant remember the last time that happened- i thought at first maybe i had dripped oatmeal on my clothes. but no! oh spring!!

ive been sick since wednesday, and tonight was hanging out with sarah and karinna in my room when, by some freak alignment of sickness pouring forth from my body, i coughed and burped at the same time which made me vomit on myself and my bed. i love that my friends didnt freak out and just got me some paper towels and continued on in the conversation as if i hadnt just spit up on myself like an infant. i really love my friends!

moving to my studio in crown heights on tuesday. mom and sister are coming thursday. have a short film in a screening on friday. starting new job the week after. gotta get better. gotta sleep. ok go

i just read my friend chloe's blog (itschloe.com) and her new year's resolutions inspired me to write my own! i really like hers, they are much more fun than mine, but i tried to add a few less serious ones.

-enter film into screening/contest
-read 3 philosophy books outside of school (one by Deleuze)
-go to nc and burp a baby!
-keep my 4.0 gpa
-learn flugelhorn! (it's the embourcher i have trouble with)
-go for more walks
-take pilates mat classes, practice regularly
-start keeping food journal again (yeah nicole we can do it)
-eat vegan 95% of the time (i love eggs. and holidays.)
-find a mentor
-move into a new awesome apartment (maybe... just me and pi? maybe?)
-do the things i am scared to do, just because i'm scared of them!
-go dancing
-play and sing with friends once a month!
-write! it doesnt matter what. just write.


im feeling pretty good about this year. 2010 was HARD. extremely transformative and very challenging on so many levels. i felt very weak at times and realized the limitations of my psyche and body. i think that i have gone through the worst of it... there will be more to come, but now i am armed with new self-knowledge. an enlightened She-Ra (roar)

so here are a few things to remember from 2010:

-started grad school! hurrah!
-got freelance jobs as a film editor
-went to a screening of a freelance short i directed, filmed, and edited for the U.N. at the Waldorf-Astoria
-had big, long fights with 3 very important people in my life
-went on an amazing road trip, lived like a hippy
-said fuck you to the Man (he didnt hear me)
-said fuck you to a man (he didnt hear me, or he was ignoring me)
-grew a good friendship into an amazing one
-got kicked on the stairs to the subway and was verbally attacked by 3 strangers
-had several nervous breakdowns
-became good at hiding my crying in public
-read Dziga Vertov and Andrei Tarkovski
-saw more films than i can count
-had an intellectual crush on my film prof
-somehow managed grad school and full time work, somehow
-spent 2 weeks with the best dog, chuy, and learned the magic of late night walks
-stopped eating gluten and dairy for a good 3 months before things became overwhelming
-realized that i have a control problem. started working on that.
-found myself in a field that i might actually succeed in... one that truly combines my strengths and utilizes my weaknesses. i might be able to do this, you guys.

why does one immediately try to formulate into language one's thoughts as they arise from deep unconsciousness? as if they have need to exist as symbols, not as they really are - sign-less, indefinite, vapor of experience and imagination. i wake to darkness this morning, as most mornings, and ones more recently tinged with loneliness and hot watery pressure behind my forehead and eyelids. i am feeling, more than ever, trapped inside of my body and my habits, my laziness and fear when it comes to changing behavior in order to have a possibly fuller experience. i am realizing the real fears, the ones so buried under half-truths that digging them up requires bloodshot eyes, long empty days, and a good novel. the most dangerous- that somehow, by changing, i could actually be happy- is the most frightening, the latent narcissistic patterns that weave through the roots of my core beliefs recognized.
these words are just masturbation of the ego, sick.
i am frustrated by the futility of communication. i am not so much concerned with being completely understood, but with wishing to be heard. then feeling like an asshole, do i think i am so much more?



i have quickly become obsessed with filmmaking. all of this i frame for the editing board. i find it physically harder to accomplish but intellectually, expressively more than words. it is a piece of one's self that has grown into something that stands alone.

last night i dreamt that i had done something horrible and it had killed hundreds of people. whatever i had done i had been led to do by my brother, and i had not known that it would hurt people, but he did. i was blamed and sentenced to live as an outcast. i argued and reasoned and fought against them, it wasn't my fault, i didn't know. they put me on a space ship and my brother was on the ship as well, and my mother. i shook and cried at my brother and told him that he needed to realize what he did, he needed to feel guilt or shame or something. my mom intervened and told me that if i kept blaming him he would try to kill himself. i shook her off and started hitting my brother but they were weak blows and he smiled at me. i realized that he did not feel anything so i stopped. i threatened to destroy the ship and everyone on it just so he would not be able to live. but we quickly arrived at my new home, a desolate rock of a planet. i sat and watched the ship take off, smoking cigarettes and listening to my ipod until it died. i wanted to be done with what i had brought; there was no power, there were no supplies. i decided that i could live there, that i could use the knowledge that i had and do something for myself. and then i was happy. i wanted to melt metal and see what i could make.

i am not mad at my brother, and i don't think he is a sociopath. i dont know why he was the object of my anger and frustration... but i do think that he took the role of others in my life.

i have now called myself an artist three times, and have referred to "my art" even more. it is very strange, to push through connotation to denotation in reference to one's self. i have been thinking a lot about what i am creating and what i wish to continue to create, and how. i want to be strategic, but also open to possibility. i read all of these works by different filmmakers, in their many capacities, and i have been experimenting with their methods in order to find my own. there is so much more i want to learn and try, and sometimes i forget that there is not a temporal limit on what i can do, at least in my experience. it does not need to be over, or gone, or passed from my mind, if i continue to pursue it. i am accustomed to starting a practice, learning the basics, and moving on. filmmaking, for me, is much more. there are so many different moving parts, so many methods and styles and aspects that perhaps i can never master, but try in different ways. i love this. i cannot ever get bored with the overall because it is constantly in flux.

my latest project is a step closer to what i am aiming for. but it is still not there. i dont know that i can ever reach what i want, but if i never reach it then i will continue to try. that is what i love.

http://vimeo.com/16793386

grad school, work, friendships, life has been crazy lately. i am pretty much eternally exhausted, which i realize is my choosing... why do i want to do things in life? it would just be so much easier to be still.
i have had some amazing readings for my film form class lately. i am constantly thinking, which for me is good and bad. i need more time to process what i read and discuss, ive been trying different tactics so i guess i'll just see where those take me. i really hope to get some of my short films digitalized soon... its very expensive.
i am going to move out of my apartment in february. it seems like a long time from now but i know it will sneak up quickly. i am going to be house/giant dog sitting in december/beginning of january in park slope, so that should be interesting. they have a backyard! and 2 blocks from the park! what?
but it will be really good to be secluded, to live alone for a month. especially in someone else's place! in a new neighborhood! and off work for 2 weeks! yess

today is shaping up to be really weird. i woke to my normal street sounds but with a massive volume of honking and mo money mo problems playing louder than i thought possible from a car sitting outside my apartment. there are always cars honking out on the street and exploding their sound systems, but this was strange to me. later i heard some kids screaming- like, terrified screaming- which really freaked me out (i checked it out, they were playing). my brain is telling me that i am going to get hit by a car today, or something big and horrible is going to happen. and im not upset, just expecting.
i dunno, these are just things that are happening, and my reaction is mostly very irrational. but there seems to be a good deal of that going on.
last night i dreamt that i found the part of me that was the root of a lot of my problems, and it was moving twirling light and seemed so fragile and ephemeral (which it's not) and i held it and knew i needed to figure it out but all i wanted to do was look at it and enjoy it for what it was. i wish i could remember what it really was.

last night i was frustrated and bored so i went for a walk. it was a beautiful evening and i was only harassed by one person. i met sarah outside of her apartment and we walked around for a bit before getting a drink (ok, 3) and sitting outside talking. she has been very open with me lately- ive been open with her and i think we both realized that there were a lot of things we werent telling each other. not that we need to, but it helps us understand each other's perspectives. all my life i have desired intelligent, creative, active people around me, and i know so many people who are those things, which is mostly good and awesome.
theres not really a point i just felt like writing. i didnt get much sleep and my head hurts. hurrah for morning smoothies and overcast days

today is my last day of work before vacation. i think this will be the longest break from work ive taken since i quit my job at steak escape in 2006, and my first real (not going to visit family) vacation since when?? spring break in college? either way, i will be off work until aug 4, so 19 days off.... amazing. completely necessary.

usually when i am looking forward to something i just cant wait for it to happen, but lately ive been really chill about future prospects. i think ive finally figured out that i like the process as much as the event, or maybe im just getting less anxious. its nice

anyway, i am going to finally visit the west coast and become a real American. which mostly means i will steal as many flags as i can find, american or no, and wear them as victory togas when i return.



i have also applied for another position within the new school. could be interesting.